A Job I Love

James:

​

Sorry mate, just not your day.

(To Audience)

Not my fault, people just get pissy when you con them out of money. Not ‘con’. ‘Con’ isn't the right word, it implies that you've don't have a chance and that it's all pre-prepared and rigged. I play fair. As long as you pay attention, you keep your money. It's a life lesson. It's a simple card trick. ‘Three-card monte’, or ‘Find the Lady’, depending on your persuasion. So, I show the customer, three cards: two jokers and an ace, and give them a bit of a shuffle, then all they have to do is find that ace again. Simple. The game works because most people are too complacent and confident, and complacency and confidence makes you lazy and ignorant, and laziness and ignorance makes you stupid.

The trick begins before you’ve even started. I move the cards nice and slow and clear, you see this over the previous customer's shoulder whilst you're walking past. This makes you think that it's not so hard and everyone else is just thick. So you come up all balls and brass and place a bet of your choosing, and that's when I sweep in with the misdirection. “You’ve dropped your wallet, sir”, “Sorry madam, your shoelaces are undone”, anything like that, and as soon as your eye's gone for a little wonder, that naughty little ace pops out for a little walk into my pocket, and out comes a third joker. Nobody expects the third joker. Then I walk away with your cash. You only get one go though, you can't keep guessing or the game's ruined. The game isn't finding the card. The game…well…the game is being smart. You need to keep your eyes on the cards at all times.

I learned it from a guy quite a while ago now. Genius, he was. His hands moved like the wind. You couldn't keep track. He could wave the Queen of Hearts right in front of your face, show you both sides, place it down on the table, tell you not to look away, and then ask you to find it again. Obviously you look confused, you think it's a trap. You point to that one lonely card on the table, he turns it over…and it's a photo of Elvis. Every time, without fail, he tricked the people. Everyone, rich or poor. Not that it mattered, he never took any money. Did it all for the fun, for the game, for the challenge. I watched that trick for three years, a couple of times a week, and never once worked it out. I still don't know. It’s true artistry.

I don't like taking people's money, I promise I don't, but I don't know how to do much else and I need to eat. I tried being a carpenter for a bit because it's what my old man did and he wanted me to do it too. I was never too keen. It was too straightforward, too easy and I know what you're thinking, “that sounds like a dream job”, but I like a challenge. I like competing with myself, betting against myself, proving myself wrong. I like not knowing whether I'll lose money or gain money, go home richer or poorer. I like not knowing. It gives me drive and motivation. Having a job, a reliable one, with the yearly wage and security and that is great for some people, but I prefer spontaneity. I prefer not knowin’ where I'll be tomorrow, or who with.

Anyway, I stopped doing that sawing and hammering crap, and started making small bets here and there, with the horses and football and that, and every time I'd lose. Every time. I never was very good at it. Obviously the bookies are betting on you not winning, and that's how they make their money, and that got me to thinking, “I wonder how much they make a day. Thousands? Hundreds of thousands? Millions? That's a job I want. I want people who are willing and stupid to beg me to take their money. To get on their hands and knees and throw money at me”, and on a much smaller scale, that's what I think is happening. I don't force anyone to make a bet, they offer it, and then when they lose, they offer another bet and another bet until all their food shop money is gone, so they have to bet bigger to win it back. I like to think it teaches them a lesson, that they go away more responsible. It's probably exactly that, something I like to think, regardless of how true it is. I want to get to the point where I don't need to do that, where I can just do it for the art alone, you know, no money exchanged. “Find a job you love”, they say, “find a job you love and never work a day”. I found a job I love, and I want to do it forever, I really do, and never work a day.