Calm Down

Teacher:

(Shouting) Alright sit down please! Kieran quiet now, okay? Sit down please! Ethan and Mia I won’t ask again, you need to take the gum out and sit down. Separately! Alright 6A, I’m not going to start the lesson until you’re quiet. I can still hear some of you talking, I need quiet.

(Pause, calmer)

Alright so last lesson we left off at the water cycle didn’t we? Can anyone remember what we were looking at? Kieran, you need to be quiet, that’s the second time. Yes, Ellie? Clouds, that’s right. So we were looking at Cumulus and Stratus clouds weren’t we, and the differences between them? Seriously Kieran, this is the third time, sit back down and stop talking or I will be asking you to leave. (Wait for response) I know you don’t care, I can see you don’t care, but other people in here do care and do want to learn so how about being considerate and polite? Thank you.

(Pause)

So as we covered last lesson, clouds are made of what please? Sophie? (Wait for response) Rain, that’s right. Kieran, I swear to God, sit down and take the pencil out of your mouth, you’re really pushing it now. Yes Ethan? (Pause for response) No you can’t drink a cloud, because clouds aren’t made of liquids, they’re made of…? (Pause for response) Ben? No? Poppy? They’re made of gas aren’t they? Kieran, stand outside now please. No, you’ve had several chances and you keep being silly so you need to stand outside. Outside please Kieran. (Escalate anger) Get your hands off Alfie and stand outside, now. Outside Kieran. (Full anger)  For fuck sake will you fuck off?

(Pause)

Sorry, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.

(Pause)

Actually you know what Kieran, do fuck off mate. Thinking about it, you’ve been taking the absolute piss since you waltzed in here at the start of the year with your fucking JD bag and your shirt untucked, and you know what? You don’t look cool, you look like an absolute twat, and I don’t care if you go home and tell your Mum and Dad, cause I bet they’re twats too to raise a twat as twatty as you are. And I’m sorry that you’re bored, I really am, and I would love to just put on ‘Madagascar’ or whatever you people watch, ‘Cars’ or some shit, and then I can piss off for a ciggy, but that’s not the way the world works, and unfortunately I have a curriculum that I need to teach to keep my job and pay my mortgage and feed my bloody dog, because unlike you Kieran, I actually have responsibilities and people relying on me and I can’t piss my life up the wall. I’m not paid to be a clown and dance around in front of you and make silly noises and tell you jokes, I’m here to do my fucking job.

 (Pause)

I didn’t get into teaching because I wanted to yell at kids, alright? I didn’t go to university thinking, “You know what I’d love? A room full of small, loud people throwing pens at each other and wiping their arses with their hands”. I wanted to teach, and make a difference. I wanted to walk into a room like this, say something interesting, and have you all lean forward in your seats, captivated. I wanted to be the teacher you remember. The one who made learning feel exciting, who you tell your kids about when they go to school.

(Pause)

Instead, I’m here. In a room that smells faintly of shit and Wotsits, trying to explain to Ethan how to fucking breathe every five seconds, while you, Kieran, slowly shave years off my life expectancy.

(Pause)

Please…please just go and stand outside.

(Pause)

Yes Leo? (Wait for response) Can you hold it until the end of the lesson?