Chloe:

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Most things get easier once you've learned how to do them. You do all the lessons, and the study, and the practice, and then you're supposed to be good at it. Like driving, or riding a bike, or learning French. Once you've done the learning, you should know how to do it, and then it's just a case of doing it enough that you don't need to think about it, and it becomes second nature. It's not the case with painting, or any art really. You learn about colours, and styles, and, paintbrushes, and then you're done. That's it right? Then you're on your own. If anything it gets harder from there really, cause you've spent the whole time copying other people. Not copying... it's not like that, it's... emulating... being inspired by. Draw this dog, paint this field, sketch this bowl of fruit, it's all just being guided and shown the way. When that's gone, you're just lost and confused. I did landscapes, still-life, buildings, abstract, monochrome, oils, watercolours, everything, and nothing seemed right. Nothing felt right. 

 

And then I saw people.

 

I knew people existed before, obviously, but, not in this way. I'd never seen them in this way. I saw Wood's 'American Gothic', Van Gogh's 'Café Terrace at Night', and Edward Hopper's 'Nighthawks' and, I loved them.

 

Sometimes you see art and, it's a red circle with some dots on, or a picture of the son with a cartoon politician on, and that's great, I'm not criticising that really. If that's what you like, and that's what you want to do, then that's great. But, it doesn't stay... with me. I see that, and nod, and I keep walking. When I see a painting with people, and lives, and a story, I can't stop thinking about it. I go to sleep and I see their faces, I imagine their friends and families, their hobbies and interests, heartbreaks, loves, gains and losses. What you see isn't everything. It's just a moment of their lives captured in still, but with a past and future that you'll never know.

 

I haven't quite got to that level yet. I needed to find the perfect person. The perfect story. I tried painting everyone: the couple from next door, the postman, my hairdresser, but nothing worked. No one's face interested me. They weren't bad faces by any means, just not interesting. They didn't tell me anything. They didn't speak to me.

 

Then… 

 

I was reading the Metro yesterday and this guy jumped off a block of flats. It was about this bloke… I can't remember his name perfectly. Freddie something I think. Freddie Lucas? Maybe that was it? Lewis? I'm not quite sure but, he was unemployed for a while. Got kicked out of his home. Have you ever seen that photo of Evelyn McHale? By Robert Wiles? 'The most beautiful suicide' it was called. And it was. A lonely, sad, beautiful woman who had fallen, I think eighty-six floors from the Empire State Building, straight down onto a car. You'd imagine it to be all blood and bones and stuff, wouldn't you, but… she looks so calm. Like she's lying asleep in a metal bed after a long day at work. So serene. That's how he looked. That's exactly how he looked. At peace. So much of a life in his face, but… not in his existence. He didn't look sad you know? He didn't look in pain, or stressed, or tired, or in need of help. He just looked…finished. He looked cold, and stiff and lifeless but so content. 

 

It's a combination of emotions I've never seen before. Not like this. Not in someone so young. So full of turmoil yet so peaceful. A constant conflict. I want to capture that if I can. To do it justice. To do him justice. 

 

I've cut out the photo and stuck it to my wall. I cut out a few more from other papers as well. Different sizes for reference and did a couple of rough sketches. I'm going to try and capture life in death. It sounds pretentious, I know, but that's my aim and that's the only way I can think to say it. It's good to have an aim. Even if you don't know how you're going to get there. There's no point in starting anything if you don't at least have an idea of where you want it to go. I don't believe in too much planning. I want the spontaneity and surprise still but I need something at the end to look forward to as well. He didn't have anything to look forward to, I guess. So I want to give him this and, we can look forward to it together.

 

I've decided I'm gonna call the morgue when I've finished this one as well. I'll see if they've got anymore interesting faces I can have. I've found my style.