Ellie:

​

Hi-sorry-hi everyone. Hi! Just over here…at the back. Yeah, me, waving my hand, yeah. So, I know this is a little unconventional. Traditionally, speeches are reserved for, you know, the best man and the… (gestures at the actual maid of honour) ...her, but… well… I just felt - no, no, I knew, deep down in my heart - that I had to say a few words. Because, let’s be honest, if anyone was going to give a speech about our girly, Grace…my girly - it should be me. Right? Right?

(small laugh, slight wobble in voice)

Now, obviously - elephant in the room - I wasn’t chosen as the maid of honour, and that’s totally fine. Totally fine. I mean, it makes sense. If you want someone super organised and professional and ticks all the little boxes, you go with Olivia. Lovely Olivia. Absolutely. Brilliant choice. A quick hand for Olivia please!

(slow clap that no one joins in on)

You’re doing a great job, sweetie! But…if you want someone who brings the fun, brings the party vibes…hello!

(points at herself)

Listen, let’s cut to the chase, yeah? I’ve known Grace since we were five, so… I guess you could say I was the original maid of honour. Not officially, obviously, she was five, but in our hearts. Anyway, I didn’t want to make a big deal about it, but I did prepare a little something and now that we’re all looking at me, I might as well just do it? Right? Let me hear you say “yeah!”...

(she is met with silence)

Okay, alright! Right, so, just a few words from someone who’s, you know, been there through it all, since day one. Grace and I…have always been best friends, more than that, we’ve always been soulmates. (pause) Not in that way, obviously! (forced laugh) Though if I had proposed I’d be standing over there in the expensive dress at the big important table instead of over here at the back! (covers awkward silence with big laugh) Kidding! Kidding. Obviously. No, I remember I was the one who came up with her very first nickname, 'Gracie-pop.' Remember? And you always used to call me your beautiful best friend. Remember? No you did, you did. You did! She’s shaking her head but she did. And I know people still call you Gracie-pop don’t they? Yeah they do, I heard Steven say it earlier! No, I did! Steven you did, didn’t you? No? Well, someone definitely did!

(Beat)

And let’s not forget about the man of the hour—Daniel! Daniel! Danny-boy! The pipes, the pipes be calling! What can I say about Daniel? I’ll be honest, when I first met him, I thought, ‘Huh. Interesting choice.’ (laugh) No, no, I mean that in a good way! Like, unexpected but charming—like when you find out the spotty guy from work actually has a yacht. You know? Takes a little convincing but you get there eventually. I mean, three pints? Happily four, after four I’d just go along with whatever. Wouldn’t even have to just be us, Grace can get in on it too. Or if she just likes watching that’s also okay. Or if you just want to watch, I’m sure we could work that out. Ooh, Daniel looks a little uncomfortable, might just be us Gracie! (laughs again) I think you’re different from what I expected. But that’s not a bad thing! It’s important to surprise people. You’re like…like a work dinner that starts off as just a regular meal, and then—boom!—it’s one of those karaoke things with out-of-work actors, and suddenly you realise you’re trapped, surrounded by a 17-year-old as the Phantom Of The Opera and you didn’t sign up for this but now it’s happening, so you just have to close your eyes and trust the process and hope for the best. I’m not saying marriage is like being trapped! Not at all! You two are obviously a perfect match. Grace, you’ve always known what you wanted. Like that time in Year 11 when we said we’d go to prom together and then you went with Anthony Palmer, despite his obvious height problem, and ended up back at his, which then led to that pregnancy scare…anyway, let’s not get into that!

(she takes a big sip of her drink, realizes she’s still making it worse, and powers through.)

Point is, Daniel is a very lucky man. Grace is one of a kind, and now she’s all yours…off to the highest bidder! Sold!

(awkward laugh again. None of these jokes are landing)

Look at this old guy over here, he’s thinking, “snooze, I’m falling asleep here!”. Oh God, is he okay? No, it’s fine, he was sleeping. He was sleeping! Nobody panic! Right, should probably wrap up. I just want to say, Grace, I love you, I love you so much. So so much, you are my everything, and I’m so happy that you’re mine…Daniel’s! You’re Daniel’s! Not that you belong to Daniel! And I did always picture us growing old together in a cute little cottage, drinking straight gin and watching Loose Women while we swore off men forever. But, hey! Things change. We grow. We move on. Some of us a lot faster than others…anyway, to the best friends! Cheers!