Morgan:
 

(Calling across the café) Oat milk caramel cappuccino for Tracey! (Beat) Oat milk caramel cappuccino? Oh hi, there you go. Thank you. (Beat) Sorry, just quickly, do I recognise you from somewhere? No, I’m sure I do. I can’t quite…have you been in before? Yeah, a few times, I thought so. Were you in on Tuesday morning? Yeah. (Pause, lowers voice slightly) Were you the one who left that complaint? The one about the staff being “rude, distracted, and seeming more interested in gossiping behind the counter than actually serving customers”? I’m not mad about it or anything, I’m just interested in talking about it, that’s all. (Pause) It’s totally fine if it was you! I just want to understand. Like, what was rude about it? Was it when I asked you if I could help? Or what I could get you? Oh God, was it when I asked if you wanted dark roast because I’m so sorry if that offended you. (Pause) I’m not mad. It’s just…I got a bit of a bollocking for that, you know? And it’s just one of those things - like I’m perfectly fine with feedback, perfectly fine about it. I’ve just gone over that shift in my mind, right, and I really can’t think of anything I did wrong. Nothing rude immediately comes to mind. Obviously you’re an expert on customer service in the cafe industry so I was hoping you could guide me a bit. (Pause. Still smiling, but tighter now) Unless you meant someone else? Maybe I’m wrong, maybe you meant someone else. Because I wasn’t the only one on that morning, so… if you did mean someone else, that’s really useful to know. I can pass that on. (Slight laugh) Maybe - and hear me out - maybe you meant someone else, guessed their name, which just happened to be my name, and then referenced that name fifteen times by complete coincidence (Shrugs, mock casual) I just think, if someone takes the time to leave a public complaint like that, then they obviously want to fix that problem. They want to help, otherwise, what would be the point? And if they want to fix it then they should at least be willing to have a quick grown-up chat about it in person, don’t you think? (Leaning in just a little more, smile fading) Because it wasn’t just “staff” you were talking about, was it? It was me. And when you write something like that, it doesn’t just disappear into the internet, it sticks. On real people. People who are trying their best, on minimum wage, dealing with oat milk that doesn’t foam right, trying to sell stock that probably should’ve been replaced last week, and a manager who thinks a sneeze counts as a break. (Beat. Straightens slightly) No? Don’t want to talk about it? That’s fine. I suppose my main question is: if getting your coffee from here is such a terrible experience, why do you come back? (Pause, waiting for an answer) No? Nothing? (Beat) Well this has been nice, I hope your pretentious coffee fills that void in your life that you’re trying to cover up with it. I used the dark roast, I hope that’s okay. I would’ve asked but…well you know. (Sarcastic smile) Have a lovely day, Tracey. (Slight pause, then sweetly) And hey — next time you’ve got feedback, I’ll give you the wifi code. Then you can do it whilst you’re here.