Mum's the word

Lucy:

You’re Zara’s mum, aren’t you? I’m Lucy, Tom’s mum. The one running around the swing. Yeah, with the dragon onesie. Yeah. That’s my fault, I told him it was a fancy dress party, I didn’t read the invite properly. To be honest, I don’t think he’s noticed, he’s not the brightest. Thinks he is a dragon, most days. We’re not holding out for a law degree, I’ll say that much. (Beat, sipping her drink) You’re new, aren’t you? To the school, I mean. I’ve not seen you around before. Did Claire invite you? Claire? She’s the one in the cardigan handing out vegan sausage rolls like she’s a member of the bloody church. Lovely smile. Can ruin a Mum’s life in a twenty second phone call, but you didn’t hear that from me. She once told me I shouldn’t bring Tom to a party because “he’d probably feel better with other high energy kids.” I said, “Claire, if there’s another child out there with Tom’s energy then God help us all”. She didn’t laugh. (Beat. Quieter) Which one’s yours? (Pause for reply) Oh, I thought I didn’t recognise her! She’s adorable, and she’s come as a pirate! Look at her little eye patch! (Pause for reply) Oh, she hasn’t. Not Jeff Bridges in True Grit is she? (Pause) Surgery? Right, got it. Well it’s still lovely. Nice and…colourful. (Awkward pause) So whose class is Zara in? (Pause for reply) Is she? Well I’ll tell you a thing or two about Mr Bennett: Last year he went off on “personal leave” for six weeks, turned out he’d had a full-on breakdown during a staff meeting. Apparently, and this is just what I’ve heard, apparently they were reducing lunch breaks by fifteen minutes or something, something like that, and he just went off, started shouting and throwing things, then left. Didn’t say another word. Left the classroom, left the building, drove to Devon, I think? They found him two weeks later in a tent living in the middle of Dartmoor. Drinking rainwater and eating mud. (Beat) But that’s not the juicy bit. No, the juicy bit is: when they finally persuaded him back, Claire suddenly became very involved in Year 2, and I mean very involved. Reading groups, break times, all of that, and then one day, Jenny - that’s Jenny over by the shed, in the straw hat - Jenny sees Mr Bennett and Claire in the car park, both standing by his car. He opens the boot, and guess what falls out? (Pause) A pair of pink heels. Claire’s size. Now I’m not jumping to conclusions, but unless he’s moonlighting as a drag act, I think we can safely say someone was on top of more than marking homework, if you know what I mean. Not that I judge! If I had a pound for every time I thought about running off with someone mildly competent and fully insured then I could buy Tom a real dragon. Anyway, they kept it very hush hush. Then out of the blue, Mr Bennett sells his car and suddenly started cycling everywhere. Says it’s for his health, I say it’s because he can’t look his Ford Focus in the eye. But no, Mr Bennett’s lovely, great with the kids. What about you, are you seeing anyone at the moment?