Rowan:

So, I’ll just be up front with you, straight away, okay? I may have slightly lied on my CV. Before we go any further, I just want to clarify that. Not in a criminal way, not anything like that. Let’s just clear that up. No forged documents or fake references or anything, just some, y’know...slight rephrasing. Just optimism, really, is what I’d call it, and even that’s probably making it out to be more than it is. (Beat) Take the French thing, for example. I didn’t say I was fluent or anything, I said I was learning it, and I am learning it. I’ve been learning it since I was born in a way, and I’ve got words like ‘baguette’ and…erm…‘bonjour’, and…‘cul-de-sac’, got them absolutely nailed. “Bonjour, I ate le baguette in a cul-de-sac!”. But if we were talking, corporate terms, like it was a “we need you to sit in with a French client and translate”, I might not be ready for that…just yet…- and the Photoshop thing - see, yeah, maybe I oversold that just a tiny bit, but in my defence, I didn’t say I was great at it. I said I’d “led creative visual projects using Photoshop” which is technically true because I have asked people to do stuff on photoshop before, so whilst, yes, granted, I’ve never used it myself, I do have experience using it, in a way. (Pause) Besides, nobody knows how to use all of Photoshop. It’s like saying you’ve read the whole of Wikipedia, nobody can do that. It would take seventeen-thousand years to read all of Wikipedia, bet you didn’t know that did you? Put that on the CV, yeah? Or is it Youtube? Could be watching all of Youtube…and it might be fifteen-thousand. (Beat) I’ve got a great understanding of Search Engine Optimisation, that part’s true. I use Google all the time, and I always go with the one of the ones at the top. Usually the one right at the top, so…you know, what does that tell you? Optimisation. Time-saving. (Pause, deep breath) But here’s the thing - and this is the real focus here - none of this is malicious, right? I’m not a fraud, I promise, I’m just...not desperate, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes. I’m enthusiastic. I’m optimistic. I believe in my potential, and I’m a fast learner, so anything I say I can do but I can’t do, I can learn to do if you need me to do it. And whilst we’re on it, isn’t everyone doing that? Isn’t that the unspoken agreement? Like, people say “team player,” nobody would prefer to work in a team. You say “customer focused” but everyone would prefer their jobs if there were no customers, of course they would. We all do it. It’s branding. (Pause) The truth is, I can do this job. I’ll just be doing it retroactively. Learning as I go. Putting on the parachute after jumping out of the plane. Sure, yeah, sometimes the stitching’s a bit dodgy, but I haven’t hit the ground yet, so I’ve still got time. The parachute’s open, it’s flapping in the wind, but which direction will I float? (Pause, thinking hard) I’ve lost track of the metaphor, but here’s the point, if you don’t want to hire me, that’s fine, just know you’re letting go of the single most confident under-qualified and inexperienced person who could ever learn how to work at this company, and let’s be honest... that takes someone special.